my usual new year blog is still in the making

its the new year, and im too lazy to finish the usual heart felt messages i normally post but this year ive just been too i dunno away from my computer and in not a writing mood to finish any blog.
but today i have the right mood and something to talk about, well rather something to make me rant about anything that comes to my mind.

i guess i can put a bit of "new year" thinking while writing this blog, involving thoughts that have raced through my mind in the last week plus.

within the last 9 days i was a vegetarian with amanda for a week, i wont say it was hard, cause i didnt miss meat and still dont, its just those random cravings for prawn dumplings or barbecued chicken wings that made it tougher at times. (why is the short form or barbecue BBQ?)

mm a year has past (yes a bit of new years thinking) since the end of high school and technically we are now second years, things have of course changed and thinking bout life its self, these years i guess are the most important, they set the course for the future in a way, the friends you make and keep in uni, in these few years are the ones that will be your closest for life, i guess. Its the time of our lives where we've grown up and now this is like do or die. relationships become serious, there are no high school petty relationships, you dont just go out with someone cause you think it will be fun, but most people that go out at our age are more than likely to stay together for the rest of their lives. It's a scary thought, but sometimes it can be pleasing to know that you wont just end up alone. We have matured to be able to hold on to a relationship, and that relationships are something not to play with. but of course there are those of us who have not matured, those that want to waste the most important years of our life away on good nights and someone to hold, they don't think about the future and that what they live by right here right now will result in consequences in the future, what you sow is what you reap. Me, for me i guess i sound very strict and one sided, and to tell you guys the truth, i guess i am. i was brought up mainly by my mum as a christian and as a Christian i have beliefs, i guess, and well i think I've had enough stupid days, days where I've wasted my life away doing things that i would regret later in the future and i have learnt from them. and just as i said before i have reaped a harden heart, jealousy and a personality trait i once did not have. and all that, although all forgiven, i still carry as a burden because well for all you non christians out there you can just skip over this stuff unless your interested, of satan, who is here to destroy the lives of God's people. I've lost so many of my good friends to the appeal of sin, and because of all the stuff i have gained from past life regrets, I am unable to communicate to them like i once did. every day i find it harder to communicate to the anti christ. anyways thats half my troubles i guess... this blog i guess is more or less a summation of all my feelings plotted into one blog.

this is not to be like emo or anything its just in general terms summing up everything so that people who care will actually know more. i think (I hope im right otherwise ill look like a totally idiot) I'm quite secluded in my feelings to others. I dont express myself and tell others much of what actually goes on in my mind, or all the stuff that actually matters. People normally know that i have two emotions, rage or extreme high/happiness, but I keep more of the personal details to myself. theres a lot people dont know about me and thats the way I like it, but sometimes i guess its always good to get a little of your chest. I should really have a diary but i never find the need to write in one. I guess im not a typical girl, i was once one, maybe, but i dont feel the need to blurt out hot guys or have girl talk in that way to another girl. i dont have the need to scream "IM FAT" to the world, because i know if i am or not, and if i am its not like telling others will help me. just like when i blurt out "I need a job" everyones advice is rendered useless. wow this is a true rant. anyways i think we've established something my grade 5 teacher blurted out about me I'm "weird" her words not mine. but to be honest I'm totally fine with it. I always picture myself as unique and if being weird is what makes me unique then so be it, even if people are influenced by my "weirdness" at least it came from me right?

in everyones life theres always a point where you go "what if....?" and i think the biggest and main what if in my life is What if i didn't leave England? So many thoughts run through my head, and as this is a fairly honest blog, and will still remain with my Christian replies, God has a purpose for all our lives (yet again if your not interested skip over) well thats my belief and I've always wondered why did God bring me to Australia? because life here for me was so hard it provided me with a tougher childhood than i would have had in England, in England my life was set, friendship studies everything was perfect. when i look back on the photos we collected over the years of 1992-2002 life looked perfect, the sun the smiles, compared to the grades, the failure, the troubled life here. Its always been a wonder why did we leave. but going back last year and having the year to think about it I know now why God has brought me to Australia. well to cut the long story really short. Here i was able to grow in Christ and become more than just a spectator but someone who lives for him. Where as in England, my church there was very stagnant. Even thought it was a tougher road to 2011 God had my future and placed me somewhere where i would grow in him, but along the way he had also given me good friends, but i guess its just man's freewill that screwed stuff up.

ok if this is too much for you yeah you can close the window now, and just facebook butI'm still going to ramble on about stuff

My view to combat everything i dislike is to ignore it and i guess it like that thing where if you ignore it the pain just goes away? I guess thats what i do in life, i ignore and avoid a lot of issues, thats because i hate confrontation, and telling people what i have personal thoughts for because that just makes me look selfish and yes im saying im not perfect it is also a sin, which I'm not proud of and all my typing is so screwed up.

so ok here we come to the pro hardcore 2011 future thing.
Theres a lot of stuff we want in life, for me well most of you known the material and the usual study job things. we all have those dreams you know your dream house, ideal partner, ideal car, ideal job and just in general your perfect life. I guess i just like to dream a lot, because i know most of these things will not come to pass. The gamsat is this year and next ( if you want to do it twice) and well everyone is crazily studying and stuff and then theres me, just like the umat I don't want to waste my money on tutors and the such, even though people may say "this is your future" or "this is the most important part its decides what you do from now on" and of the likes, I still think it's a stupid test and a waste of money. And i believe my future is actually already written for my by God and that if it is his will for me to become a dentist he will make it happen and if its not he'll have a better plan for me because he will never forsake me nor will he leave me. so yeah just study hard and trust in him is this years "goal". also maybe i should add sleep early to the list.... this year at church I'm going to be a cell leader so its a huge responsibility and its i guess kinda scary but I'm sure ill be fine, theres more i could say but i don't really have an urging to do so. this year i must remember that giving is greater than receiving.

ok and to end this mega crazy rant blog with stuff most of you don't know.... (sorry jz but this is more situated for amanda)
mmmmm where to start. i guess i can start about that pink bangle that you are complaining about that doesn't "fit" you, which does cause it fits me and your a stick insect. you know what's weird, I've been putting this message off for over 2 weeks now cause i didnt have the guts to say much without sounding weird and yet i can write the above stuff, i guess cause this is the part where i open up and get more personal and you know the nitty gritty stuff. ok so here goes. Well the reason behind that particular bangle, i have like 10 of them... well 9 now but yeah it came into my possession through my mums friend who knew i liked pink, which was pretty cool, but anyways, when i was looking through the ones my dad bought me from pakistan i thought you may like some cause its quirky and different, so i was sorting through them seeing which ones were definitely too big for you and which ones would most like fit you and which ones you would most likely like. by the end of the night i picked the plastic ones and the orange glass ones, as i was about to sleep when i remembered the pink ones and i was like should i give her one? that night before i slept i was thinking about everything, like everything weve done together in high school and now, and the progression of friendship, and that promise i made you at the end of year 12, which was getting harder and harder to keep. then (as written above) I noticed you mainly lose your high school friends, well we are still friends but i mean like the tightness loosens and the distance grows, its been one year and yet it feels like 5 cause we arent that close anymore. and yes its sad to say this but its just a fact as life carries on, as you move on you find other people you have more in common than we do/did and well just as that photo album i gave you last year was a reminder of everything we've done, theres always others that feels them selves as more important especially in the present time so i thought i give you something that represents me not only in colour but also in background (pakistani), and a reminder of you know.. stuff? and in general, just something cool. anyways your an awesome friend, so full of life, but sometimes i just cant talk to you the way we used to, but yeah don't worry we still are friends no matter what just saying the distance is growing, and that I'm sorry i haven made much of an effort to stay close, your just too popular, so many people are wanting your attention.
but you are one of the best friends I've ever had, and one day i will explain why in a less public setting.

You know what funny I didn't even mention anything to do with what set off this need for blogging
anyways i hope that everyone has a good year this year, and don't worry the world won't end in 2012
hope to blog again soon, and less honestly , if your still willing to read my blogs

hearts, li-ming