This is gonna be long....
Well these pass few days i've been at camp, and well it's been AWESOME.
I was in charge of this camp, but I think without my helpers it could not be possible. My dorm is really good and really chilled, I've always been placed with more senior members but this year I was with Linda and my junior cell members. I've gotten to know them a lot more and I think it's good to discover all parts of someones personality, not only does this increase the bond but it also decreases your ability to judge.
Okay i think to start I must talk abut why I'm "blogging" from camp (yes I wrote this on a piece of paper at camp) but I think camp reveals stuff that you couldn't do alone, I mean you know about it but you don;t know what to do with it. The main reason I'm blogging is about for elephants (metaphorically speaking, about sin) and that an elephant cannot be kept for too long before it becomes too costly. There are secrets in my life, like not everyone is perfect, but I know like I've done a fair share in my days, most of them of course small but still full of guilt and the only way to let them go is to tell someone. Although I've mentioned that I mainly have just small sins, I do also have one large one, like this has been the regret of my life up to date. It was so huge, and to most people of my age group, it seems so harmless, but it, personally, ruined my life (harshly put but I've touched on this before). I was so angry with myself, sometimes I still am, but it took me at least 2 years to actually sort myself out so that when I look back on my life I can actually look at it without cringing. I've actually never told anyone the full story and maybe I never will. There will only ever be two sides to this story, Well that was my thought before this camp, but after the discussion about showing your elephants to someone, it is, I guess, a sigh of relief. It may seem stupid for mr to share it with someone considering I'm kinda already over it and it's impact on my life, but the way it impacted my life was so great.
I always feel judged by the people around me, that is why I always have a certain facade od how i want people to see me. I always act smarter than I actually am because I want people to view me as smart and not this stupid girl. I think, from personal experience, girls are more judging than guys, answering why I hang around guys more than girls, Ever since that time in my life, I instantly felt a bit more vulnerable and naturally (as the laws of physics states) to counter act this I harden myself ti the world, I find it harder to truthfully open up. And some of you may feel special cause you think I've opened up to you, but basically, it was just small pieces of a much larger picture, and it was probably dressed up to make me seem like the hero and not the victim, or that I was the one in charged. Before the elephant, I was so much more open, I was willing yo hug people, even guys, just to day hi, I was one of the people that influenced other people to hug. But now I feel as if it's not right, like as if it's unnecessary touching, I guess it's just the hardness that comes along with the vulnerability. Then comes the use of the word "love" I cannot use it on people the phrase "I love you" cannot be exist seriously. In my vocab this phase is only used in return for something or when abnormally high. If I was to sit here and say it, really meaning it, to anyone, even my parents or friends, or just anyone, I cannot do it, even if I do care about them a lot. I think it's just another resultant of the 'elephant'. One day I will find someone to tell, one day when I'm ready to be judged.
I always place myself as this innocent girl, but I'm probably 100% less innocent than I make myself out to be, but yet again this is to regain somethIng I lost, a facade to replace something that happened, to which I felt that I lost a lot of my innocence too. But yeah it was this one event that changed me, making me the girl I am today. And if you ever do find out bout my elephant, I think you should feel special, but it will only be told to those I really do trust, but don't go searching for it, please?
Next business, I guess is being reminded of someone. Sometimes there are things in life that just naturally reminds you of someone. Depending on the item or object determines if this memory is good or bad. But i guess in general being reminded of someone is just not right, or maybe thats just my harden self talking (most of the time I like my life just being me and me, and I think my facebook fast helped clean up these reminders) I think the worse kind of reminder of someone us when you are reminded of them through anything musical. Music is a mega part of peoples lives, and everywhere you hear notes, sounds and music. These notes and musical abilities constantly around us would cause this person to live in the fore part of our brains, continously.
But iI don't know if it's normal or if it's just me.. I still haven't decided yet, whether it is normal or not....
hearts, li-ming
